The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
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