"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
Rebel without a Claus.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
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