Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
I call the shots.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Your name is insert name here?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
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