(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Trowel and error.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
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