In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Whatever coats your boat.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
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