"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
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