Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
How was heaven when you left it?
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
I dreamt about you. You died.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
My weekend is fully booked.
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