Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
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