Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
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