Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Can I claim your baggage?
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
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