What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Treat yo'elf.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
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