"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
You're my purr-son.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
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