What do you call two pears?
A pair.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Composers always score.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"You can't sip with us."
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
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