I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Don't fork-get your manners.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
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