Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
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