Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Who needs luck? I have charm.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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