Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
We’re calling your number.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
One trick peony.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
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