Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
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