What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
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