I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
You’re my #1 pick.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
You knead me in your loaf.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
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