Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
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