Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
You seem a little mer-mad.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
In on the ground flora.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
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