A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
You’re my lucky charm.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
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