Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
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