Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
You’re right up my alley.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
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