Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
I am a mean green machine.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
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