“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
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