“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
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