Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
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