Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.

What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"

Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss

Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.

It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.

I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop

What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.

You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.

When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.

Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.

Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!

"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts

Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.

Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.

What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.

I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.

What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.

Snow thank you.

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?

Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea

You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.

What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias

When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”

My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.

Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.

Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.

Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.

What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.

You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom

What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.