Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
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