If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
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