What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
I think we're mint to be!
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
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