What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
You are my butter-half!
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
"You can't sip with us."
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
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