My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Go to BabaMail
