I think you’re pretty Stella-r
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
We’re calling your number.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
My fridge is hotter than you.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
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