Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Have you botany plants lately?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
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