Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
I think I found my perfect match
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
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