Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
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