How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
You're just my cup of tea!
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I loaf you.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
I like you a latke!
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Orange you excited for Halloween?
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
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