What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
"Eggs love you."
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
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