There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
Hello Boo-tiful.
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
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