You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Drink happy thoughts.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
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