Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
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