What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno

Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.

How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.

“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown

Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.

Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.

Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.

"Stop and smell the rosé."

The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!

“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams

What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.

My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan

What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.

Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.

“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.

No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.

What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.

“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com

Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.

What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.

How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.

You've stolen a pizza my heart.

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell

I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.

What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.

I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.

What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.

When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.

You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.