If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Can I be Candide with you?
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
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