Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Feeling fintastic.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
This summer is going swimmingly.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
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