Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
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