No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
I want you for no raisin.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
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