Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
I call the shots.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
I always have a ball with you.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Man is Fatally Slain.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
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