Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
I think you're mer-mazing.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
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