Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
If you were here, Abby all over you
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
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