“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Green glass globes glow greenly.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
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