How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
Up to snow good.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
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