“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
I pitcher us together forever.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
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