Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
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