Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
It's ice to meet you.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
I've only got three months to live.
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