What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
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