What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
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