Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
"There's no bunny like you."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
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