Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Can I Alp you?
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
"Bone to be wild."
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
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