Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
Don’t give into beer pressure.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Whale, hello there.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
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