What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
"Love the wine you're with."
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Go to BabaMail
