Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
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