Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
She has high elf-esteem.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
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