I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
I beacha miss summer already!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
All you need is MY love
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
I cannoli be happy
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Go to BabaMail
