What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!

Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”

What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.

Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.

Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.

What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.

You are shrimply the best!

I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.

What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.

What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.

What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.

Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink

What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.

I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.

What sport does a cat play? Hairball!

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.

What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.

I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.

What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.

I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!

What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."

I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.

How about we get down to monkey business?

My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.

Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke

Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx

You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.

A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.

What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.