Broken pencils are pointless.

Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.

What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”

What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".

"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."

I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...

Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.

You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.

What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.

What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.

The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.

“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown

Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.

What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.

Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!

He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.

What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!

It was pretty foggy outside today.

I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.

Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.

What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.

Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.

What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!

Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?

Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.

Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee

What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

You can shiver my timbers anytime.

The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.

What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.

I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.

Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke