What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
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