Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
We like to paddy.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
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