Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
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