How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
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