Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!

What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!

If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.

What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where’s pop corn?

What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.

What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!

No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.

What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.

Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.

Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!

Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.

What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.

“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!

Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.

Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.

"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.

Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?

I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.

"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

- Oscar Wilde

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.

"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox

Don’t moss around.

Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus

Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.

Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!

"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.

How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.