How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
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