A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
I’m elf-taught.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
You're so clover!
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
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