Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
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