My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
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