"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Love the wine you're with."
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
She has high elf-esteem.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Go to BabaMail
