"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
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