Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
It’s snow joke.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
We like to paddy.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
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