These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
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