Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
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