What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
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