If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
That’s a bit mulch.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
You’re my lucky charm.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Your good weed for the day.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
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