A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!

I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.

I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

All stereos are so typical.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.

Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous

I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.

What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.

How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash

Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.

"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

"Women love a self-confident bald man."

- Larry David.

Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.

My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.

My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.

What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.

What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.

Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.

The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.

Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)

My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.

"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.

Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C

What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.

“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown

Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.

What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!

What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"

I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.