“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
You sweep me off my feet!
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
I like you cherry much.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
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