When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
You knead me in your loaf.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
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