"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Go to BabaMail
