Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.

Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.

What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.

I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.

What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.

I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.

It ain’t over till it’s clover.

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.

My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!

Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.

Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.

Donut even think about taking another donut!

Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”

We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.

Sheena leads, Sheila needs.

What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!

51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?

‘Jesus Chrysler!’

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”

– Deborah Kerr

What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.

Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings

Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.

I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.

I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

(Gelett Burgess)

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.

Don't even chai.

What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.

Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

You are aged to perfection.

When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.

Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.

I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.