Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
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