Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?

What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.

What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!

What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.

Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.

Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.

Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting

“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine

I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.

I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.

Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!

-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.

“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs

Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.

What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.

What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!

What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.

What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.

What is the study of real estate? Homology

My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.

Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato

You met all of my koala-fications

Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous

I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.

Can I also deposit my number into your phone?

I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?

Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.

Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.

My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.

What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

- Steven Wright

What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”