Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I can be your travel pillow.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
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