Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
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